Remains healthy

13 April 2011 | Non-fiction

Case note: patient has coronary artery disease for which he was given a balloon. Illustration: Elina Warsta

In these samples from a collection of patient reports, Molemmista päistä tähystetty: päättömiä potilaskertomuksia (‘Examined at both ends: brainless patient reports’, Otava, 2011), human disorders appear bizarre, puzzling or just plain funny in case notes as dictation or transcription occasionally proves erratic

The patient was given instructions for his bowels.

Recommend milder aerobics, ie swimming on an exercise bicycle.

Patient is a healthy 70-year-old girl.

And a mental health evaluation is recommended for the designer of this form.

Blind PAPA taken from base of vagina, which we will call about.

After much discussion it was discovered that the patient had pulled one over on the undersigned. The cause of the severe headache, nausea, and snivelling was revealed to be the death of the patient’s cat.

The patient had some salmon chowder, recovered and remains healthy.

Patient had a fight with a cockroach in a bathtub in the Canary Islands, slipping in the process and hitting the back of his head on the tub.

Was bicycling to work when she fell on the slippery road and showed us her left femur.

Patient is retired from work and is extremely happy about it. Now we’re trying to get him in a condition to enjoy it.

The hearing aid buzzes so loudly that even the adjacent patient wants to go home.

Patient complains of a dry cough. We will encourage her to refrain from coughing.

Slim man. No swelling in the knees, so jaws are stable.

Patient occasionally listens to some music but it sounds pretty harmless.

General condition: woman, tolerably good.

Patient completely revived for 20 minutes, after that finished off.

Patient is now in a position to consider installing an artificial joint with his family.

Patient could perhaps possibly potentially benefit from medication.

A healthy man, examined at both ends.

First went into convulsions with his friends today, then was brought to the hospital for more convulsions.

Patient was found in the evening sitting in the ward. He had no wishes. When asked what he would like before leaving, he wanted health and a hug. Hug provided, but health is touch and go.

Translated by Lola Rogers


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